Have you ever had so much going through your head that you feel that you will not be able to express all that you are feeling? Have you ever had thoughts swirling through your head, like ocean waters during a storm? In the last week so much has happened to make me realise that there is more to life than meets the eye. Here I am torn between my present and future; the things that I do here and now will affect my future. How am I to know what is right? How am I to achieve my goals if I have no help? It seems that ever since I was a child that I have been on my own; an outsider, even among my closet friends. There are things that I know I will never be able to express to another human being, as long as I live. There are thoughts, events and secrets that will stay with me forever.

I want to be the popular one who dates and has a relationship, but can this ever happen to me? I have been shunned my the people who I thought I knew and loved the most. I feel that I can unconnected from the people around me. It is as if I go through life wearing and invisibility cloak. I have had two relationships, none of which I wanted to be involved in. I thought that if I went out with the guys that asked me I would be able to try and form a connection. It didn't happen, possibly because I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I knew that I would rather be with someone else, so I could not commit to them. One of the boys, in middle school I went out with for almost a year; we never held hands, kissed or anything. It was more or less the same of our friendship. We have since drifted apart. I see him at a distance, but I neither talk or make gestures to him. It's like I want to forget what was, because I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I said that I would go out with him when I had no interest in him whatsoever. I felt pressured, so I agreed. I still feel as if I used him, though I did nothing. The same is true of the other one, except I did kiss him. I felt dirty and disgusting after doing so, because I knew that I had no feelings for him whatsoever. I had only met him briefly one time before he asked me out. I could not deal with it, so I told him that we would be better off as friends the next day. He took the news well and we stayed in contact until I left the school. I know that I did not want to be with him; there was one boy that I knew I wanted more than anyone. I have not seen him in a number of years, only after he lied to me and crushed my heart into a thousand pieces did I give up.

I have spent so much time without a human relationship that I wonder if I will be alone forever. There are two people who I am interested in at the moment. A good friend of mine, who I became close to last year. I would never want to risk our friendship for anything. I don't believe that he will return the feelings that I have for him. Maybe I will tell him before I leave this year. Then the other one; I have been in love with him for more than a year. I know that he is my soul mate; he is so like me in almost every way. He is happy with his girlfriend, and I know that I will never in my life time be able to be close to him. Maybe I should just give up on it, but somehow I can't tell myself to let him go. There is a part of me that is holding onto him, in the hope that maybe, one day I will be able to be the one that he holds in his arms. That is possibly why I have been looking to my classmate to fill the void. I don't know what's going on in my head.

There is just so much that I am going through right now, that at times I just want to lay my head down and sob. Sob out all of the things that I cannot voice- all the things that are buried deep within me.

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